Adapting
Time is of the essence and like most things, one thing leads to another, domino effect etc etc etc. Focus has been largely on rehab and physiotherapy and maintaining Matt's mind space. There's the catch 22 situation when one needs what they class as heavy drugs for pain, then trying to wean off those, yet with more movement and therapy, more pain increases. It's one of those things that 'hangs in the balance' but one that we are all mindful of, particularly Matt himself. We've been there before and it's not always pretty! Yet it's a mindful process this time around. You learn from your mistakes, or experiences as I'd prefer to call them. You make sure you aren't going down that path again.
So whilst we are focusing on getting going, on more movement, better life quality, more functionality we have completely forgotten to nurse the progress and the changes of the impact of actually being more mobile & functional! It's been a long long time in this limited state and living life according to that.... I am struggling in ways I hadn't imagined. I am so so very grateful for this new opportunity of having my husband back in a functional manner yet I'm still not sure how we introduce working together as a team again for things like basic home maintenance or cooking together or doing the basics of our lifestyle at home, together as a unit. Yet it's something I've missed so much and want so bad. Who would've ever thought there was a 'hanging in the balance' of something like that? I'd have never imagined....
To explain it a little, is perhaps to explain alot. Basically I've overcompensated for the shortcomings in a practical sense for a long time now. The mental and emotional capacity of that has been a struggle for us both. Matt feeling useless or hopeless in not being able to achieve what he used to in a physical sense yet it's domino effects in a mental capacity are like a Tsunami. The vibes are there, just pulsing away under the surface at a distance. Then throughout the past few years, we've found a balance to make our situation work. We got comfortable with that. Now it's changed. And it's stranger than ever. There's so many positive, amazing and beautiful things going one to give us both quality of life and relationship. I mean, seriously!!! The other day I was blown away that "suddenly" (nothing ever happened suddenly in the past 5 years) Matt was in my face in the bedroom. He decided he was going to see how fast he could move up the hallway to get to me. Naturally, I'm NOT at all used to him 1. walking without hearing crutches tapping away on the ground or 2. him actually moving at a pace that is faster than about your average turtle crossing the road on a mission & not having to stop for any traffic! We cried with laughter because he frightened the shit out of me doing this little experiment and it was pretty bloody hilarious seeing him move at such a pace. Nothing to write home about for the running folk of the nation, but for us, bloody amazing!!!
An impromptu waltz in the kitchen.... priceless. Something we haven't been able to do for a very long time. The last wedding we attended together, I went home all teary and feeling sorry for myself because it was the ONLY wedding we'd attended together that he hadn't come and asked me to dance (mind you I asked him but was shunned because of pain, so absolutely devo'd as it's a tradition we've always kept up with one another throughout our lives).
Laughing like kids when we held hands walking along for the first time again. This was something we really really missed doing. We always did it but those damned crutches ruined everything!!!
But in spite of these beautiful and amazing moments, there's alot of shit. There's the art therapy which is incredible, I've missed seeing him draw again. Yet there's a large absence in art therapy as well. It spills into the wee morning hours & reminds me of the days when Matt used to drink excessively and create with an alcohol base of mind, body and spirit. And finding the balance where he feels he's 'doing' and working as part of our team in our home life, rather than 'doing' because he feels he has to or it's his duty or it's expected, is problematic in it's own merit. It's a mix of the unknown, having lost the connection of this a long time before and a mix of the mindspace of the effects of everything connected to this operation and the outcome and the rehab process.
It's incredible and not taken for granted, yet it brings a new sense of challenges and rollercoaster rides on a number of levels.
Life is never simple, even in the simplest of lifestyles.
So whilst we are focusing on getting going, on more movement, better life quality, more functionality we have completely forgotten to nurse the progress and the changes of the impact of actually being more mobile & functional! It's been a long long time in this limited state and living life according to that.... I am struggling in ways I hadn't imagined. I am so so very grateful for this new opportunity of having my husband back in a functional manner yet I'm still not sure how we introduce working together as a team again for things like basic home maintenance or cooking together or doing the basics of our lifestyle at home, together as a unit. Yet it's something I've missed so much and want so bad. Who would've ever thought there was a 'hanging in the balance' of something like that? I'd have never imagined....
To explain it a little, is perhaps to explain alot. Basically I've overcompensated for the shortcomings in a practical sense for a long time now. The mental and emotional capacity of that has been a struggle for us both. Matt feeling useless or hopeless in not being able to achieve what he used to in a physical sense yet it's domino effects in a mental capacity are like a Tsunami. The vibes are there, just pulsing away under the surface at a distance. Then throughout the past few years, we've found a balance to make our situation work. We got comfortable with that. Now it's changed. And it's stranger than ever. There's so many positive, amazing and beautiful things going one to give us both quality of life and relationship. I mean, seriously!!! The other day I was blown away that "suddenly" (nothing ever happened suddenly in the past 5 years) Matt was in my face in the bedroom. He decided he was going to see how fast he could move up the hallway to get to me. Naturally, I'm NOT at all used to him 1. walking without hearing crutches tapping away on the ground or 2. him actually moving at a pace that is faster than about your average turtle crossing the road on a mission & not having to stop for any traffic! We cried with laughter because he frightened the shit out of me doing this little experiment and it was pretty bloody hilarious seeing him move at such a pace. Nothing to write home about for the running folk of the nation, but for us, bloody amazing!!!
An impromptu waltz in the kitchen.... priceless. Something we haven't been able to do for a very long time. The last wedding we attended together, I went home all teary and feeling sorry for myself because it was the ONLY wedding we'd attended together that he hadn't come and asked me to dance (mind you I asked him but was shunned because of pain, so absolutely devo'd as it's a tradition we've always kept up with one another throughout our lives).
Laughing like kids when we held hands walking along for the first time again. This was something we really really missed doing. We always did it but those damned crutches ruined everything!!!
But in spite of these beautiful and amazing moments, there's alot of shit. There's the art therapy which is incredible, I've missed seeing him draw again. Yet there's a large absence in art therapy as well. It spills into the wee morning hours & reminds me of the days when Matt used to drink excessively and create with an alcohol base of mind, body and spirit. And finding the balance where he feels he's 'doing' and working as part of our team in our home life, rather than 'doing' because he feels he has to or it's his duty or it's expected, is problematic in it's own merit. It's a mix of the unknown, having lost the connection of this a long time before and a mix of the mindspace of the effects of everything connected to this operation and the outcome and the rehab process.
It's incredible and not taken for granted, yet it brings a new sense of challenges and rollercoaster rides on a number of levels.
Life is never simple, even in the simplest of lifestyles.
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